Chargersgrl1

So after everything I've been through with Matt...my recent boyfriend...he decideds to break up with me. WTF? I don't get it. I even talked to his mom who said that he talked about me all the time and SHE even told him that the age thing didn't matter if we really liked each other. Which I THOUGHT he did. Who the F**K knows. I seriously feel like the biggest loser in the world right now. I don't get it. The things he said just didn't make sense. I mean...to tell me that he doesn't like me after two months of telling me how much he likes me and how beautiful I am??? If this is what is in store for me with guys, I don't want it. I'd rather be alone, thanks. There's so much more to it. But I'm too busy crying right now to get into it...men suck. That's all.

Why are these three words harder to say than the other three common panic-inducing words: "I love you"?? It is so much harder to admit that you have a fear...of getting your heart broken, of getting hurt, of even having feelings for someone! Some of us just avoid the whole thing altogether so that we don't even get hurt...because that's what happens sometimes (and it seems--inevitably). I fall into this category. I have consciously and subconsciously avoided having a relationship with someone because I simply am afraid of getting hurt. But have I missed out on something? Would I ever know? Is that the way it was supposed to be? What am I waiting for?

Everyone has fears. I don't like being on ladders. Other than that, I pride myself on being pretty fearless. But I'm a traitor to my own feelings. Because I have been afraid of getting serious about someone and then getting hurt. I have immersed myself in my horses, my job, football, and my life in general, all in the attempt to avoid getting hurt. Why am I afraid of ladders (and short heights in general)? This is stupid, but simple. One of my biggest fears is falling and breaking something so that I am never able to ride my horse again. That is understandable since my horses are such a huge part of my life. Plus, I have no significant other besides my horses. If I were to lose them, I would feel alone and helpless in this world. I turn to my horses for comfort, for joy, and for the feeling of having someone to care about. And they care about me. Anyone who knows my horses and me knows this. It's possible that I have substituted my horses for a real relationship. No wait...this is actually the truth. I found out the hard way that it doesn't matter how much you are afraid of something, it might just happen. I was in a car accident 3 years ago and could have easily been paralyzed if the situation were slightly different. But I could never have seen it coming. So really, I'm being paranoid about being on ladders when I could be driving down the street and bam! What I am so afraid of could become reality. How many times can you have your heart broken? How many times can you think "he's the one" just to find out shockingly that HE doesn't think YOU are the one?? I wouldn't know because I've shut out that possibility. But when I think about it, it's really beyond my control. I can't control what other people think and do. What they say or why. So why should I be so worried and AFRAID? That being said...I'm about to take a leap of faith, put it in God's hands, and if I get hit by a car on the way, at least I tried.

Someone actually said to me recently that I would have to make a big decision soon that would change my life forever. If I make the right decision, my life will be good and I will be happy. If I make the wrong decision, who knows? I have no idea if he was being serious or not or what he was talking about (that is a whole different story entirely). But this is my decision: I am going to stop closing myself off to the possibility of finding someone that might actually make me happy. *gasp*

Wish me luck. Because I am afraid. But I know that even if I get hurt, I'm not the only person in the world to feel this way...but I'll be damned if I continue shutting out people because of my own stupid fears.

Which path to choose? I have a decision to make that will change my life in a big way. My company is offering to let us leave with severance. And it's a pretty sweet deal. I have been struggling for the past 2 days with the pros and cons of leaving my company. So far, what I have are the following:

Pros:

If I leave now, I can't get laid off later. (There's no guarantee of a good severance if I DO get laid off in the future.)

I really want to take time off from work to study for the MCAT. With this opportunity, I can do exactly that.

If I leave I can spend more time with my horses for a few months (while studying for the MCAT).

I have 6+ years of experience in a few different areas (fermentation, cell/tissue culture, protein purification, buffer and media prep., filtration, etc.) and I have a lot of contacts in the industry.

 

Cons:

If I stay, there's the possibility that I'd get moved to another shift or even another department (which would suck).

If I stay, I probably won't get my promotion any time soon.

If I leave, I might not find a job where the hours are so good. Plus, I do make decent money.

 

Then of course, factor in the following:

At this point, I'm not sure I'm getting a bonus this year (which would have been $$$$ that I could really use) because the company screwed me out of it. I was going to use some of it to go to Chargers games...possibly the game in England, even!

I busted my butt for this ungrateful company and all they do is keep me down. (Hence the fact that I deserved my promotion and they came up with some BS excuses not to give it to me.)

 

And just to further screw it all up, there's this:

What if I decide that I WANT to leave, but then I don't get to...and I get stuck working on another shift (translation, less money and crappy hours)??? After setting my heart on leaving, I could get completely screwed over (AGAIN!!).

This is all even slightly further complicated by the fact that for the first time in a LONG time, I am actually interested in someone. If I stay working for now, I don't have much time for socializing and dating. Not to say that he's even interested, but I'm pretty sure he is.                  I guess I shouldn't really take that into consideration when making my decision. But damn, it would be nice to have Friday nights off to go out. Of course, I will have to watch what I spend and will probably find other ways to make extra money for a few months by working minimally.

Well, you know what they say: when something in your life goes right, something else goes to crap, right?